In the spring of 2011 I was cleaning a stove and quite suddenly the knob I was holding became the rag became my hand became the space became the stove as all lines between things between moments and between myself and the world dissolved. It was like the scales had fallen off my eyes! There was an intense psychological and physical relaxation, and I was amazed that my body didn't crumble to the floor! It was obvious that there was no one doing life, and that life wasn't happening to a me. It was the end of a lifetime propelled by hope and fear and need of a never arising next. It was as if time died. It was as if I had died, yet it was obvious that I had never existed.A year before it had dawned that I could no longer pretend that everything was OK, and that all the methods and practices I had used to achieve well being were not working, I was utterly stunned for a month. Then there were four days of unutterable joy and awe. It was a beautiful powerful free glimpse. After that there were eight months of extreme sadness and deep despair, alternating with overwhelming joy and intense bliss, peppered with sudden bouts of impending doom. I noticed beliefs about who I was, adjectives that seemed to define me, and what the world was, like cause and effect become transparent and fall away. Quite suddenly I noticed that joy and sorrow had merged and I truly could not tell the difference! After that there was a period of intense anxiety, I would lay on my bed of nails every night, sleepless, gripped with unknown terror. There was a point when I realized that I had thought of myself on a path, and that I was 'getting' somewhere, and I just knew that that belief had to go. I remember sobbing hot hot tears. At one point my desire consumed me. My chest hurt and I could hardly breathe, it was worse than when my mom had died, and I kept trying to talk myself out of my desire. But it finally burst and morphed into a marvelous overwhelming love as I saw there was nothing to get.I had the very clear picture of myself before this profound shift in perspective of trying to grasp something that had no edges, that was very slippery, as there were no indentations, and there was nothing I could get my fingers into to hold. I felt that I was jumping very very high and trying to catch the air with a butterfly net. I didn't know what I wanted but I knew that I wanted it, and I was beginning to realize that I could not have it.It was all I feared and yet all that I longed for, this overwhelming beautiful fleeting un-graspable impermanence, and this wondrous unknowing. This is far better than anything I could have wished for or imagined, yet it is nothing at all. There is always a seamless ease, a sublime quiescence perfumed with a most marvelous sense of awe no matter what seems to appear. it is like living beautifully suspended between love and nothing at all.When the dream is no longer believed, even love is known to be made up. Yet this is not the end of love. It's only the space in between us that is imaginary, yet that is where we kiss. I exist only in the touching, knowing that there can never be really touching. It is stunningly beautiful knowing that we exist only in a touchless touch, cloud shadows racing down the canyon. The stories of you of me of we intertwine until an edglesss glance reveals that there were never separate people to kiss. Since this profound shift in perspective, songs have poured through me. These are but a few.