Work was my everything. Year after year I smashed sales targets in the competitive and relentless world of medical device sales. I won awards, travelled the world and was at the beck and call of my Neurosurgeon customers - 24/7. I thought I was successful.
In the eyes of those around me I was a portrait of professional success that left them asking, "How does she do it?"
On paper, I was a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. In reality, I was an unhappy preoccupied stranger, doused in shame and hurtling down a path of self-destruction. I didn't want to give up the handsome income my life and self-worth depended on. Nor could I walk away from what I had worked so hard to create. But where I was no longer felt right. My family, my 10 year old son was suffering. I was stuck.
Then came the day I physically couldn't drive to work. I sat in my car, hands shaking on the wheel, tears streaming down my face. I didn't recognise the person staring back at me in the rear-view mirror. My body and mind had given in. 5 days later I resigned.
The ensuing few years - my beautiful mess.
At the age of 40, I was forced to hit pause on life. To take time away to rearrange my relationship with myself, my 10 year old son and for the first time in 40 years, learn to understand my mental health.
It was messy, confusing and difficult. The lessons learnt, beautiful.
My Beautiful Mess is a culmination of stories that taught me the lessons I needed to learn to live a happy and fulfilling life.
It is a raw, generous and relatable account - as a working parent, then single parent grieving daughter, professional woman in the male dominated world of neurosurgery and a person who lives with chronic anxiety.
While the context is my life, the stars of the show are my three characters:
- The masked spinal surgeon - my arch nemesis who taught me more than I'd like to admit
- The Director - the person whose opinion mattered most at the time
- Irene - the mad woman who is my anxiety
My hope for my book can be summed up simply through the following quote:
"One day you will tell your story of how you have overcome what you are going through, and it will become another person's survival guide."
