My Life In the Sunshine

Hello my name is Sabrina, maybe you know me or maybe you don't. I typed a book on my life. All the experiences I can remember, beginning with trying to commit suicide at the age of seven years old because I was being molested by my one of my Dad's brothers, whom my family shared a home with. And though my Dad addressed this situation, this violation cut off an intimate love experience I was having with God above. You see my parents kept us in church. We practically lived in church. Why going to church did not alert my parents to the sexual abuse their first daughter was suffering at the hands of someone so close to our family. Did no one care? Was not anyone paying attention? Why was everyone so wrapped up in their own lives to the point, where they could not see, I was being violated from not being protected by a so called family member in our very own home. Though I survived the suicide attempt physically, I did not mentally, emotionally, intellectually, nor spiritually. It seems the devil has had it out for me since I got here on earth. Just like a lot of people in this world. My life went to become a mess in my eyes from the severe beatings my Mother and siblings suffered at the hands of my Dad. Why was my Dad so physically abusive to my Mother, brother's, and sister? I was favored. I was never hit once. I obeyed my Dad. I was in love with my Dad. I had always been. I was his shadow. He was my protector, although he had failed me in so many ways. At least he tried. When my parents divorced at my age of twelve years old, my heart was with my Dad. My Mom was no protector. She couldn't protect herself. I'd heard her screams, seen her black eyes behind the shades, the bumps and bruises, and saw her walking funny or limping from sore fractures or severe bruising. There was no way she could guard me. Maybe I just wanted to be safe from predators. I could not see my Mom as the one who could provide this type of care; as I felt my Mother should've. I didn't understand as a youth the extent of damage on her mind, heart, will, intellect, and emotions. In the search, on the streets for my Dad brought more abuse. Running away from home brought the same type of abuse over and over. Why Me? Why won't this sexual abuse stop? Why did it grow worse? Didn't God know I was being destroyed inside? Why do people take advantage of another human being in such a manner? No matter, I guess this is the life I am due to live, Maybe it's the payback from having a Dad who lived the lifestyle of being a very known pimp and drug dealer in South Florida. Whose arrest was on the first page of the Newspaper. How could this happen? Didn't God and the people in this world know I had spent years walking the streets to find my protector and had found him. Why didn't anyone know I was happy living with my Dad? Though he had become so distant, he had been my only happiness in this world. Had life, people, and the drugs he was using hurt him as I was hurting. He seemed so far away. No more long conversations. No more spending hours and hours together. Just short sweet stuff and plenty of money and material things, but nothing compared to the Dad I needed. Therefore I continued seeking my peace in drugs, alcohol, males, and his porn movies. It seemed as if life defeated me on every hand and in every situation. I never thought I would live past the age of twenty five years of age. I'm now almost double past that. My life is not as stable as I want it to be. But I know I am overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of my testimony. This book is my testimony. There are so many people carrying the weight and burden of someone elses I love my three children from three different baby daddies. I have forgiven every sexual assailant, cheating ex, every back stabber, liar, everyone who gave up on me. I forgave my family, my Dad, my Mom, my brothers, my sister. And most importantly, I forgave myself.